Two Minnesotans

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Grand Marais. They head to the bird
section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."


The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem
dere little budgies in dat cage up dere." says Sven. The owner puts the budgies
in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into
Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by the lake. At the
cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand
place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps
off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing
himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans shakes his head
and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

BUT WAIT!!! There's MORE!

Moments later Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and
walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a
shotgun in the other. "Hey, Ole. Watch dis." Knut says. He takes a parrot from
the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way
down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down
and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes
his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT WAIT!!! There's MORE!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's
also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a
chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls
himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until his hits a rock and
breaks his spine. Once more Ole shakes his head...."First der was Sven with his
budgie jumping, den Knut parrotshooting....and now Lars in hengliding....."

HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH ?

OK, I QUIT.

LUTHERAN AIR

Lutheran Air is now operating from Duluth Airport

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIR IS NOW OPERATING FROM DULUTH AIRPORT

YA... SHURE, YA BETCHA! DIS IS DA LATEST AIR SERVICE TO SPROUT UP IN MINNYSOTA.
ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Air, da no-frills airline.
You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience.
Dere is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main
dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da
aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will
offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety
system aboard dis Lutran Air 599.

Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss
of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain
Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure
would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't
bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes.

You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up
in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to
be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort
a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer
and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze
who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which isn't
right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may
confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way. No,
it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a
cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with da coffee pot up
front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of
you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I
am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace. "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to
us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close.
Amen

Meet in Heaven

A lady is riding the subway, reading her Bible.

A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her, "You
don't really believe what they say in there, do you?"

"Every word," she replied.

"OK," he asks, "how about the Noah story, the flood, the
animals - do you believe that?"

"Absolutely," she said.

"What about God creating the universe in six days?"

"All true, I believe every word."

"What about Jonah - how could a man live for three days in
the belly of a whale?" he asks.

"Yes, I believe that too," she says.

"Well, how could that be - how did he breathe?"

" I don't know," she said. "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask
him."

"What if he's not in Heaven," the guy asks.

The lady replies, "In that case, you can ask him!"

Internet Junkies

You know you are an addicted internet junkie if...

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of
ICU!

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant
message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore
button handy.

17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.

18. You say......."Where did the time go??"

19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.

20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......

22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small.

23. You think faster than the computer.

24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and **
kisses**.

25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.

26. You're on the phone and say BRB.

27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.

28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave
your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP."

29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on
instead.

30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life.

Horse Race

The race horse
Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man
from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a
six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but
which he entered for a race. The horse won easily and
paid a whopping price.

The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing
and questioned the owner. "Is this horse unsound?"
they asked.

"Not a bit," said the owner.

"In that case," asked the stewards, "why have you
never raced him before?"

"Mister," said the man from Idaho, "We couldn't even
catch the critter until he was five years old."

Brownies recipe

Mom's Brownie Recipe
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear
from oven and tell Jr., "No, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can
away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from
Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages
to scratches sustained while removing shortening from
cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups
sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and
open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take
telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line
the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to
have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, ｽ cup nuts and beat all
ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour
mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from
Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved
cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's
still time and he's still able to run away.

FROSTING Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar,
1 oz unsweetened chocolate, 1/4 cup margarine Take the
darn teddy bear out of the broiler and throw it away
-- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to
nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped
out of the house and was heading down the street. Put
Jr. in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring
constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to
neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's
front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined
carpet.

Remove burned brownies from oven. Collapse
and call the baker for delivery.

Diforce

Client Confusion

A FARMER went to see an attorney about getting a divorce, and the
following discussion took place.

Attorney: "Well, do you have grounds?"

Farmer: "Yes, I have about 140 acres."

Attorney: "No, you dont understand. Do you have a case?"

Farmer: "No, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "You still dont understand. I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Farmer: "Yes, sir--thats where I keep my John Deere."

Attorney: "No, no! I mean do you have a suit?"

Farmer: "Yes, sir--I wear it to church every Sunday."

Attorney: "Well, does your wife beat you up?"

Farmer: "No, sir. We both get up at 4:30."

Attorney: "All right, all right. Let me put it this way. Why do you
want a divorce?"

Farmer: "Well, I never have been able to have a meaningful
conversation with that woman."

Bottle Babies

Bottle Babies

THREE MEN were in the hospital waiting room. The nurse came in and
said, "Mr. Brown, you are now the father of twins." Mr. Brown
grinned. "How about that--I work for the Minnesota Twins."

A little later, the nurse came back and said, "Mr. Green, you are
the father of triplets." Mr. Green beamed. "Well wouldn't you just
know it," he said. "I work for 3M."

When the nurse came back again, the third guy turned white and
passed out. Mr. Brown and Mr. Green carried him to a sofa, and the
nurse revived him. "Are you all right?" she asked. "I'm not sure,"
the fellow admitted. "You see, I work at the 7-Up bottling plant!"

Listen to the Doctor

Listen to the Doctor

HANK SMITH became so ill his wife, Lizzie, sent for the doctor. When
Hank heard the doc enter the house, he closed his eyes and didn't
move. Doc looked him over and declared in a loud voice, "Why, this
man's dead!"

At that, Hank's eyes flew open and he yelled at the doctor, "I ain't
dead!" Lizzie hushed him up. "Now, Hank, you be quiet," she
scolded. "Doc knows a lot more about these things than you do."

Atletics prowess

Strength

BILL THE BRAGGER was at the county fair telling anyone who would
listen about his athletic prowess. No one would challenge him until
a stranger piped up. "I'll wager you $50 I can push something in a
wheelbarrow for 20 yards and you won't be able to wheel it back,"
the stranger said.

Bill looked at the skinny fellow and decided it wasn't much of a
challenge. "I'll take you on," he replied. They borrowed a
wheelbarrow and took it to the starting point. "Let's see what
you're made of," Bill taunted. "Okay," the stranger answered matter-
of-factly. "Get in."

Bushel

A FRIEND who owns a store in town decided to try his hand at gardening. He
planted potatoes and spent a lot of time nurturing his plants. Come harvest, he
had an excellent crop--in fact, some of the potatoes were so large he decided to
display them in his storefront window.

A passerby saw the huge vegetables and came inside to ask if he could buy a
bushel of those potatoes. "I can't sell you a bushel," the owner replied. "I'm
not cutting one of my potatoes in half for anyone!"

Temperature Rising

Temperature's Rising

TWO good ol' boys were discussing the summer heat. "It's been so hot
at my place that I've had to give my chickens shaved ice to keep them
from laying hard-boiled eggs," said one.

"That's nothin'," said the other. "This morning I saw my dog chasing a
jackrabbit up the road, and they were both walking."

Funny Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should
have remained a virgin."

Lillian Carter (mother of 64th president Jimmy Carter)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.

- Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food

groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine


Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first.

- Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery.

- Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

- Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position.

- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.

- Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

- Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon; Then it's time for my
nap.

- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- WC. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.

- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation, as you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.

Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

Night Expansive Out

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place
expensive....

So I took her to a gas station

Blonde Forever

One day a blonde was riding on an airplane. There was a loud
noise that came from outside the plane. The captain came on
the intercom, "Attention passengers, we just lost one of our
engines; but don't worry, the other three engines will keep
us up. Also, we will arrive at our destination about an hour
behind schedule."

Half an hour later, another loud noise sounded from outside
the plane. The captain once again came on the intercom,
"Attention passengers, do not be alarmed. We lost another
engine, but the other two will still keep us flying. We will
arrive at our destination about three hours late."

After the captain said this, the blonde leaned over to the
passenger next to her and said, "If those other two engines
go out, we'll be up here forever."

President & Miss America

How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing,
I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able
to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our lives we
could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school,
but they can in prison?

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court, when the Ten
Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Sermon

During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage
girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.

He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are
two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That
quieted them down.

When the service was over, he went to greet people at the
front door. Three different adults apologized for going to
sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.

Pretty Blonde

One day a blonde was riding on an airplane. There was a loud
noise that came from outside the plane. The captain came on
the intercom, "Attention passengers, we just lost one of our
engines; but don't worry, the other three engines will keep
us up. Also, we will arrive at our destination about an hour
behind schedule."

Half an hour later, another loud noise sounded from outside
the plane. The captain once again came on the intercom,
"Attention passengers, do not be alarmed. We lost another
engine, but the other two will still keep us flying. We will
arrive at our destination about three hours late."

After the captain said this, the blonde leaned over to the
passenger next to her and said, "If those other two engines
go out, we'll be up here forever."

Young Scottish

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding
hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the
boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the
two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl
spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'.... perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the
girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh I was
thinkin'... perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the
girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a bit
more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with
anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in
anticipation of the ultimate request.

"Din'na ye think its aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?

Dead Horse

Dead Horse Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that

"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best
strategy is to
dismount."

However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more
advanced
strategies are often employed, such as

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Better yet, bring in
an army
of consultants to over study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride
dead
horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead
horse's
performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would
improve the
dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is
less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes
substantially more
to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Where american..

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United

States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street

and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country!" But the

passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".



The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for

having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says

"I no American, I Vietnamese."



The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he

stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful

America!"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am

not an American!"



He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an

American?"

She says, "No, I am from Russia!"



So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The

Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says..."Probably at

work."

Zoology test

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for
his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom,
he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over
each bird and only the legs showing. He sat on the front row
because he wanted to do the best job possible.The professor
announced that the test would be to look at each of the
bird's legs and give the common name, habitat, genus,
species, etc.

The student looked at each of the birds legs. They all
looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed
up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their
legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got.
Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the
professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could
anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their
legs?"

With that he threw his test down on the professor's desk and
walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class
was so big that he didn't know every student's name; as the
student reached the door, the professor called out, "Mister,
what's your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You
guess, buddy! You guess!"

Preacher's Son

An old country preacher had a teen-age son, and it was getting time the
boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession.
Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what
he wanted to do-and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table
these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of Tennessee
sippin' whiskey... "Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll
just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school
this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he
picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a
businessman, and that would be O.K. too. But if he picks up the bottle,
he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame
that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's
footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room.
He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he
turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. He picked
up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar
and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big
drink...

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a politician!"

Pet Lover

Dear Dog and/or Cat,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in
the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please
note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food
does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor
do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can
run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on
the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and
cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
the other end to maximize space used is nothing but
sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to
get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow,
try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try
to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for
years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or
cats. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple
change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our
front door..... Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like
to complain about our pets: 1. They live here; you don't. 2.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. 3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted
son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours
and is speech challenged.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come
when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug
using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about
buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't
need a gazillion dollars for college, and when they have
young, you can sell the results.

Democrat Family

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart
attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the
emergency room. After what seemed like a very long
wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and
a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is
dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against
her cheeks with shock.. "We've never had a Democrat in
the family before!"

Good Friend

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the
day. that night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under
the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Joey?" the others asked.

"Joe had a stroke or something. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Joe laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going
to steal Joe!"

Road Sign

Fixing Road Signs

A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some
road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The
first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, a
blonde, looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been
waiting to cross?"

My JOB..

My Different Jobs.....

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got
canned...couldn't concentrate.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to
my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but anyway I sliced it, I couldn't
cut the mustard.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't
live on my net income.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it
was always the same old grind.

Computer Terms

Funny Computer Terms
1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.

7. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.

8. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

9. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.

10. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.

11. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

12. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

13. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

14. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.

15. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

16. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

17. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

18. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

19. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

20. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.

Viking explorer

1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in
a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just
have to be a little patient."


3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his
supply of the birds ran out. So he had to go out and trap some more. On the way
back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting
gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


4. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket
watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned
out that although their watches were of finest quality; their compasses were so
bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This,
of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"


5. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets
and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have
absolutely nothing to go on."


6. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk
rawhide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow
one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to
see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended,
but the malady lingers on."


7. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local
civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Lief off my
census."


8. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on
an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.


9. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said,
"Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"


10. By the way, the guy who wrote these 9 puns entered them and one other
in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading
the list of winners he was really hoping that one of his puns would win, but
unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Independence Day

Monday, July 4 is Independence Day in the USA)

What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the
Declaration of Independence with a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small
curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!"

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
A Hessian procession!

Housekeeping Tip

Good Housekeeping Tip:



Always keep several get well cards on the mantel.....



So if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to
clean.

I Missed

An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat,
learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer,
the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes.
Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition
to counter this danger, as several men had already been
bitten.

So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at
snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer
and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as
proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.

The next day, the post commander entered his office and
spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a
sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the
box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The
note said, "I missed!"

Shovels

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes
they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and
tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels...
just lean on each other until they arrive."

Grandma's Cook

Say Your Prayers


UNANSWERED PRAYER? The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her
father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his
sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.



BEING THANKFUL A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your
mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she
say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"


EXPRESS PRAYER Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving,
Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer
over the food. One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather
(to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a
gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't
pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"


UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was
a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She
pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you
do such a thing?"

Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle ... and just
then He did!"


TIME TO PRAY A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.

"Yes sir," the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor >>> asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."


THE BLESSING My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she
turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you
hear >>> Mommy say," my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to dinner?"


BEWARE OF TRASH One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our
'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."


ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS? When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody,
would say their nightly prayers, together. As most children do, we have to
bless >>> every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and
past).

For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would
say, "And all girls."

As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end,
my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always
add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"


SAY A PRAYER Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house Everyone was seated around the table as the food was
being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right
away.

"Johnny wait until we say our prayer." "I don't have to," The boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating,
at our house."

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she
knows how to cook!

Golf Addict

They say (?) that the word golf came from the acronym Gentlemen only, ladies
fordidden.

This is about a golf addict:


Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in
love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to
dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the
relationship. Ed began by saying to his new lady friend that meant so much
to him, "It's only fair to warn you that I'm a complete and utter golf nut.
I eat, sleep and breath golf.... so if that's a problem, you'd better say so
right now".

"Well, since we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied.
"I'm a hooker."

"I see," replied Ed, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know,
it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee
off."

Why..?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing,
I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able
to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our lives we
could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school,
but they can in prison?

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court, when the Ten
Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building

Worried to Death

Worried to Death

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit
from one of her fellow church members.


"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.


"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"


"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like
you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"


"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."


"Are you in any pain?" she asked.


"No, I have never had a pain in my life."


"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.


The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her
major worry.


"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to
heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."

God Confuse..!!

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, " Is my time up"? God said, "No. You have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you

Elderly couple at Mc'D

An elderly couple toddled into the local McDonalds and
ordered one combo meal. The wife carefully cut the sandwich
in two and began to eat her half. The husband respectfully
sat and watched.

The eating did not progress quickly, and soon the other
customers bagan to notice. Finally one helpful person
offered to buy the couple another meal. The offer was
rejected with the explanation, "We share everything."

Eventually another could stand it no longer and made the
same offer. Same rejection: "No thank you, we share
everything."

After this had gone on for what seemed to be quite a while,
one bystander could no longer stand it and quizzed the man,
"Then why aren't you eating? What are you waiting for?"

Fish Story

THERE WAS a man who fished every day and always came back with a
good catch. Eventually, the game warden decided this guy must be
doing something illegal. So the warden put on old clothes and made
friends with the man. "I've noticed you always catch fish," the
warden said. "Can I go out with you?" The fisherman
shrugged. "Sure," he replied. "See you here at 5 a.m. tomorrow."

The next day, they went fishing together. The fisherman steered his
boat into a remote part of the lake, then stopped. He opened his
tackle box, took out a stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and threw it
into the water. After it went off, dozens of stunned fish floated to
the surface.

The warden was astounded. "I caught you red-handed," he said. "I'm
the game warden, and you're under arrest." The fisherman said
nothing. He reached into his tackle box, took out another stick of
dynamite, lit the fuse and handed it to the warden. The fisherman
then asked him, "You going to talk or fish?"