Canadian Blonde

An elderly blonde lived on a small farm in Canada,
just yards away from the North Dakota border.
Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute
between the United States and Canada for years.
The now widowed blonde, lived on the farm with
her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a
letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The
government has come to an agreement with the
people in Washington. They've decided that our
land is really part of the United States. We have
the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement.
What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his blonde mother said. "Sign it!
Call them right now and tell them we accept!
I don't think I could stand another one of those
Canadian winters!"

Two Minnesotans

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Grand Marais. They head to the bird
section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."


The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem
dere little budgies in dat cage up dere." says Sven. The owner puts the budgies
in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into
Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by the lake. At the
cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand
place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps
off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing
himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans shakes his head
and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

BUT WAIT!!! There's MORE!

Moments later Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and
walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a
shotgun in the other. "Hey, Ole. Watch dis." Knut says. He takes a parrot from
the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way
down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down
and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes
his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT WAIT!!! There's MORE!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's
also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a
chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls
himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until his hits a rock and
breaks his spine. Once more Ole shakes his head...."First der was Sven with his
budgie jumping, den Knut parrotshooting....and now Lars in hengliding....."

HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH ?

OK, I QUIT.

LUTHERAN AIR

Lutheran Air is now operating from Duluth Airport

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIR IS NOW OPERATING FROM DULUTH AIRPORT

YA... SHURE, YA BETCHA! DIS IS DA LATEST AIR SERVICE TO SPROUT UP IN MINNYSOTA.
ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Air, da no-frills airline.
You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience.
Dere is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main
dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da
aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will
offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety
system aboard dis Lutran Air 599.

Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss
of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain
Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure
would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't
bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes.

You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up
in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to
be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort
a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer
and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze
who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which isn't
right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may
confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way. No,
it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a
cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with da coffee pot up
front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of
you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I
am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace. "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to
us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close.
Amen

Meet in Heaven

A lady is riding the subway, reading her Bible.

A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her, "You
don't really believe what they say in there, do you?"

"Every word," she replied.

"OK," he asks, "how about the Noah story, the flood, the
animals - do you believe that?"

"Absolutely," she said.

"What about God creating the universe in six days?"

"All true, I believe every word."

"What about Jonah - how could a man live for three days in
the belly of a whale?" he asks.

"Yes, I believe that too," she says.

"Well, how could that be - how did he breathe?"

" I don't know," she said. "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask
him."

"What if he's not in Heaven," the guy asks.

The lady replies, "In that case, you can ask him!"

Internet Junkies

You know you are an addicted internet junkie if...

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of
ICU!

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant
message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore
button handy.

17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.

18. You say......."Where did the time go??"

19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.

20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......

22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small.

23. You think faster than the computer.

24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and **
kisses**.

25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.

26. You're on the phone and say BRB.

27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.

28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave
your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP."

29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on
instead.

30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life.

Horse Race

The race horse
Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man
from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a
six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but
which he entered for a race. The horse won easily and
paid a whopping price.

The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing
and questioned the owner. "Is this horse unsound?"
they asked.

"Not a bit," said the owner.

"In that case," asked the stewards, "why have you
never raced him before?"

"Mister," said the man from Idaho, "We couldn't even
catch the critter until he was five years old."

Brownies recipe

Mom's Brownie Recipe
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear
from oven and tell Jr., "No, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can
away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from
Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages
to scratches sustained while removing shortening from
cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups
sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and
open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take
telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line
the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to
have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, ｽ cup nuts and beat all
ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour
mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from
Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved
cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's
still time and he's still able to run away.

FROSTING Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar,
1 oz unsweetened chocolate, 1/4 cup margarine Take the
darn teddy bear out of the broiler and throw it away
-- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to
nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped
out of the house and was heading down the street. Put
Jr. in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring
constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to
neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's
front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined
carpet.

Remove burned brownies from oven. Collapse
and call the baker for delivery.

Bottle Babies

Bottle Babies

THREE MEN were in the hospital waiting room. The nurse came in and
said, "Mr. Brown, you are now the father of twins." Mr. Brown
grinned. "How about that--I work for the Minnesota Twins."

A little later, the nurse came back and said, "Mr. Green, you are
the father of triplets." Mr. Green beamed. "Well wouldn't you just
know it," he said. "I work for 3M."

When the nurse came back again, the third guy turned white and
passed out. Mr. Brown and Mr. Green carried him to a sofa, and the
nurse revived him. "Are you all right?" she asked. "I'm not sure,"
the fellow admitted. "You see, I work at the 7-Up bottling plant!"

Listen to the Doctor

Listen to the Doctor

HANK SMITH became so ill his wife, Lizzie, sent for the doctor. When
Hank heard the doc enter the house, he closed his eyes and didn't
move. Doc looked him over and declared in a loud voice, "Why, this
man's dead!"

At that, Hank's eyes flew open and he yelled at the doctor, "I ain't
dead!" Lizzie hushed him up. "Now, Hank, you be quiet," she
scolded. "Doc knows a lot more about these things than you do."

Atletics prowess

Strength

BILL THE BRAGGER was at the county fair telling anyone who would
listen about his athletic prowess. No one would challenge him until
a stranger piped up. "I'll wager you $50 I can push something in a
wheelbarrow for 20 yards and you won't be able to wheel it back,"
the stranger said.

Bill looked at the skinny fellow and decided it wasn't much of a
challenge. "I'll take you on," he replied. They borrowed a
wheelbarrow and took it to the starting point. "Let's see what
you're made of," Bill taunted. "Okay," the stranger answered matter-
of-factly. "Get in."

Bushel

A FRIEND who owns a store in town decided to try his hand at gardening. He
planted potatoes and spent a lot of time nurturing his plants. Come harvest, he
had an excellent crop--in fact, some of the potatoes were so large he decided to
display them in his storefront window.

A passerby saw the huge vegetables and came inside to ask if he could buy a
bushel of those potatoes. "I can't sell you a bushel," the owner replied. "I'm
not cutting one of my potatoes in half for anyone!"

Temperature Rising

Temperature's Rising

TWO good ol' boys were discussing the summer heat. "It's been so hot
at my place that I've had to give my chickens shaved ice to keep them
from laying hard-boiled eggs," said one.

"That's nothin'," said the other. "This morning I saw my dog chasing a
jackrabbit up the road, and they were both walking."

Funny Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should
have remained a virgin."

Lillian Carter (mother of 64th president Jimmy Carter)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.

- Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food

groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine


Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first.

- Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery.

- Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

- Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position.

- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.

- Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

- Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon; Then it's time for my
nap.

- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- WC. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.

- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation, as you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.

Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

Night Expansive Out

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place
expensive....

So I took her to a gas station

Blonde Forever

One day a blonde was riding on an airplane. There was a loud
noise that came from outside the plane. The captain came on
the intercom, "Attention passengers, we just lost one of our
engines; but don't worry, the other three engines will keep
us up. Also, we will arrive at our destination about an hour
behind schedule."

Half an hour later, another loud noise sounded from outside
the plane. The captain once again came on the intercom,
"Attention passengers, do not be alarmed. We lost another
engine, but the other two will still keep us flying. We will
arrive at our destination about three hours late."

After the captain said this, the blonde leaned over to the
passenger next to her and said, "If those other two engines
go out, we'll be up here forever."

President & Miss America

How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing,
I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able
to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our lives we
could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school,
but they can in prison?

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court, when the Ten
Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Sermon

During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage
girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.

He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are
two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That
quieted them down.

When the service was over, he went to greet people at the
front door. Three different adults apologized for going to
sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.

Pretty Blonde

One day a blonde was riding on an airplane. There was a loud
noise that came from outside the plane. The captain came on
the intercom, "Attention passengers, we just lost one of our
engines; but don't worry, the other three engines will keep
us up. Also, we will arrive at our destination about an hour
behind schedule."

Half an hour later, another loud noise sounded from outside
the plane. The captain once again came on the intercom,
"Attention passengers, do not be alarmed. We lost another
engine, but the other two will still keep us flying. We will
arrive at our destination about three hours late."

After the captain said this, the blonde leaned over to the
passenger next to her and said, "If those other two engines
go out, we'll be up here forever."

Young Scottish

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding
hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the
boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the
two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl
spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'.... perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the
girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh I was
thinkin'... perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the
girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a bit
more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with
anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in
anticipation of the ultimate request.

"Din'na ye think its aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?

Dead Horse

Dead Horse Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that

"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best
strategy is to
dismount."

However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more
advanced
strategies are often employed, such as

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Better yet, bring in
an army
of consultants to over study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride
dead
horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead
horse's
performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would
improve the
dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is
less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes
substantially more
to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.