Pet Lover

Dear Dog and/or Cat,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in
the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please
note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food
does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor
do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can
run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on
the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and
cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
the other end to maximize space used is nothing but
sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to
get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow,
try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try
to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for
years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or
cats. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple
change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our
front door..... Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like
to complain about our pets: 1. They live here; you don't. 2.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. 3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted
son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours
and is speech challenged.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come
when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug
using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about
buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't
need a gazillion dollars for college, and when they have
young, you can sell the results.