Funny Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should
have remained a virgin."

Lillian Carter (mother of 64th president Jimmy Carter)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.

- Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food

groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine


Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first.

- Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery.

- Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

- Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position.

- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.

- Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

- Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon; Then it's time for my
nap.

- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- WC. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.

- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation, as you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.

Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.

- Billy Crystal